Striving To Be Perfect

A journal entry from last night, about learning that self love isn’t something you earn.

Laying in bed, thinking of all the ways I need to improve in and i need to get done to put my life back together.

It’s overwhelming, and I’ve been feeling like I’m being pulled in so many directions, my mind is constantly debating how to react to situations, what move to make, what areas I need to work on within myself.

Everyday my mind is constantly bouncing..

Get a job, call X back, stay on a routine sleep schedule, call sponsor, go to an NA meeting, be patient, forgive, groceries, change my way of thinking, lose weight, med changes, laundry, dishes, get groceries, pray, text people back, etc.. like, woah. I’m overwhelmed.

But I’ve realized laying here…

I don’t think I ever have been completely proud of myself or felt unconditional love towards myself. I always have all these different things I want to change about myself and self improve in immediately and all at once.

I’ve always felt like I were to love who I am completely in this moment, that would feel ridiculous and selfish. Like, obviously I have a lot to work on. I’be kinda been the poster child for a hot mess.

But if I look at someone else, and look at them through a lense of love, it’s easy to see how beautiful they are, even in their mess. Nobody is ever going to be perfect, I’ll never be perfect, so why lie to myself that I can’t love myself unconditionally until I get there? Only I can truly understand the position of my heart and my intentions, and God knows I’m trying. And maybe that’s enough for me to love myself and fall asleep at night feeling enough.

I’ve hit some pretty deep rock bottoms, but guess what.. I got through them. I survived myself. And I might not be where I hope to be one day, but I’m exactly where I am, and that’s enough for me. And I don’t think it’s selfish or egotistical to go to bed tonight feeling okay with the fact that no matter what happens or who loves me or what anyone thinks, I’m enough for me in this moment. And in all my mess, I can see the beauty in this part of my journey.

If you’re in addiction, depressed, or just struggling to get through something right now.. just know I see you, and I’m proud of you, unconditionally.

Have a good day guys, I’m proud of you, from one hot mess to another. ❤️